The Right, the Wrong and the Guilty
Bartender's wisdom... or is it?
My dear beloved customers,
As I opened my little café today, I was still dwelling on what had happened during the first hours of my morning.
Every Monday since the beginning of September, I get up at 6:30am to help my 11 year old daughter prepare for school and especially helping her to tie her hair for the swimming pool class she has in the first 2 hours of her day. She had been sick with a light Covid consisting in a feverish night, a soar throat and a running nose since the end of the week before . Her father, who happens to be conveniently my hubbie as well, and I have been discussing in and out all week-end about letting her go to her swimming pool class today if she still had a running nose because she tends to develop ear infections easily and I feared it might prevent her cold to heal quickly.
She seemed to be better on Sunday night but when she woke up the next morning, she still had a running nose, was coughing and had a hoarse voice. I had to take the decision if she would be attending or not swimming pool and was inclined towards the not because she had already missed two days of school the week before.
What is important to know on this issue is that my daughter has just entered junior high school in a new private school with strict rules better to be complied with for her not to get in trouble. Another thing important to explain at that point is that her new sports teacher - Sports is a school compulsory discipline in France - is a bully. He made that very clear in the parent-teacher meeting at the beginning of the year, that sports was about discipline and surpassing oneself and he would suffer no exemption apart from a doctor’s not, even for girls’ periods.
My daughter is a drama queen. She took that after my mother who is well known to make a fuss about any tiny physical and psychological pain that she ever suffered from. When my daughter has a soar throat or she hit her foot on a piece of furniture, she’s dying in the instant of unbearable pain which can last for very long minutes. That tendency, which can be explained by family genes and the fact that she’s an only child and grand-child and has thus been the center of the family universe since she was born, leads her father and I to be very cautious about the reality of her sufferings’ depths.
Back to this morning, there were two opposing sides getting ready for a fight in my house: my husband who thought our daughter was faking it to still sound ill - though her hoarse voice was speaking for her - and had to go to swimming pool to avoid a punitive reaction from her bullying teacher. He also thinks that a little more constraints and obligations in her life would help her build character, upon which I do agree.
On my part, I thought her health had to come first, that it was only a two hour swimming pool class and that was not, in my opinion, as important as missing French or Maths class or another few school days because she was sick again. I was also acting out of compassion for her for she had a running nose. Against my husband’s will who thought I was not doing a favor to our daughter, I contacted school to tell them she wouldn’t be attending swimming class this morning and would stay in detention instead.
My husband made it very clear he was angry with me not being on his side which made me feel guilty about my decision. A question was circling over and over again in my head: “Did I take the right decision?” The thing is, there is no such thing as right or wrong. My husband and I were both right about our decision because it came out of how we see things and life. What really bothered me in his decision was that he didn’t give any benefice of the doubt to my daughter for still being sick - he tends to do that a lot, and my daughter’s partly responsible for it for keeping on being such a drama queen, leading him not to show her any compassion whatsoever - and that he was fearful that the bullyish sports teacher will retaliate my daughter for not complying with the fact that one has to be on the verge of dying to be exempted from sports.
What decision was the right one, then? Probably both. But what is the real issue here is to weigh their possible outcome: my daughter getting sicker by trying to prove her teacher she is a tough one or my daughter, and I for I was the one taking the decision, being a sissy for putting her health before toughness. May I remind everyone here that we are talking about a two-hour swimming class that has caused a family feud. The thing is, my sulking hubbie thinks he never get things done is way and I’m the bully at home. So both decisions were right and wrong at the same time, depending on who is telling the story.
That situation will haunt me for the rest of the day and I know my husband will put it back in my face next time I’m too soft with my daughter or angry with her for not complying with grace to the next obligation in line which I think is quite unfair.
What I really dislike about this argument is that I feel guilty about it, as though it was not my place to have taken it or that was the ultimately wrong decision to take. The guilt was enhanced when my loving husband got back from taking our daughter to school and made a point in telling me that my daughter’s best friend who had suffered from a worst case of Covid had NOT been exempted from her swimming pool’s duties. Was I too soft? Definitely compared to others but should life be a competition to be equal or better than others? Especially when it revolves around parenthood? Am I wrong, and should I feel guilty about being wrong or too soft, because there are several other people doing things differently facing the same issue? Because they are several thinking differently than I do, does that mean that I am wrong? Does that mean that I should join their side though that’s not the way I feel deep down? Do other people hold some kind of absolute truth I should adopt as well or am I to answer only to mine even though the rest of the world thinks differently than I do as long as I don’t try to convince anyone that my truth is the right one for everybody else? All that for a two hours swimming session? Yes, all that for a two hours swimming session. My mind can be quite a piece of work sometimes…
What lesson do I get from that story if there’s one to gain? That I’d rather take decisions out of love and compassion rather than out of fear of retaliation or willing to gain points with a bully! This is how I’m built and I stand by it. My daughter will have lots of opportunities to submit to obligations in her life, health shouldn’t be one of them! Most important, I followed my heart about that decision, rather than the “should” in my head, and my heart can’t be wrong, at least not for me.
I’m very curious of what decision you would have taken if you had been in my shoes or my husband’s shoes as a matter of fact, so don’t hesitate to share your thoughts about that in the comments.
Bartendingly yours with lots of love,
Geay
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Life, the Universe and Everything Playlist
Hi Geraldine! I think you were absolutely in the right to keep your daughter out of swim class given the circumstances! Health is so important! It is all we have! And I’m sure you and your husband don’t want your daughter to come down with long Covid, which is a risk with even mild cases! Plus, if she still has symptoms, she could well be still contagious and should not be around her classmates!
It sounds like your daughter is a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), who may also have a low tolerance for pain, so she deserves all your family’s compassion! Also Bipolar Disorder tends to run in families due to genetics and possibly growing up in a stressful environment due to being a Highly Sensitive Person, so your daughter may be exhibiting early signs of the Disorder! Praying that your husband gets over himself and that you can give yourself the gift of not feeling guilty for doing the right thing by your daughter! Big hugs and Much Love!!! 💕💞💞♥️❤️💖
Parenting is so challenging, and it can be hard to come to a decision when both parents feel they are right. It might be that you and your husband would benefit from discussing your different parenting styles at a time when there isn't a decision to be made and you're both feeling calm. Then you could speak more generally about your values in raising your daughter, rather than about a specific situation. Having a mediator or counselor present could help you in communicating your perspectives without getting heated. And if, as Rebecca has suggested, your daughter is an HSP or has other challenges, getting the informed perspective of a professional would ultimately support your daughter's specific needs.