Goodbye Ego, see you around!

Bartender wisdom... or is it?

My dear beloved customers,

Last week, we explored together what our ego is and the many ways we let it rule the show. I apologetically left you there with that infamous piece of information: “You are not in control of your life, a self-defense organic software is!”.

But there’s hope, my friend, for, if we cannot uninstall it from our brain - for it does have a useful protective purpose when it’s not going berserk -, we can turn down its notifications and alarm sounds.

So, as promised last week, today, I will give you tools that will help you change your ego’s parameters and thus regain possession of your metaphorical car.

Image created with Midjourney AI

How do we take back control of our car?

Step 1

The first thing we need to do is learn to differenciate our ego’s voice from our inner self voice. Our ego’s sentences often begin with “I have the impression of” - the impression in itself usually being a false and fearful projection about someone or an event - or are diminishing statements about ourselves not being enough, up to the task, arsh judgments about our - and other’s - actions or reactions, like those of an abusive parent.

Another of Ego’s favorite expressions is “I want”:

• I want to be beautiful
• I want to have power
• I want to be wealthy
• I want to be loved
• I want to be admired
• I want to be famous
• I want to possess

All those “want”s are band aids on our wounds, a miracle medecine we wish for that wound to heal itself without any other intervention on our part.

With the advent of social medias, celebrity is the most popular band aid ever, seemingly the cure to every misery. Apart from the easy money to which it is generally assimilated, fame is presented to us, through the prism of our screens, as a perpetual moment of intense pleasure or amusement for the person who experiences it, suggesting that each moment of this person’s life is filled with endless fun, an artificial display of joy and happiness since, in fact, those are the only moments we are witnessing.

Image created with Midjourney AI

Therefore, people superficially think that if they become famous, their life will be that uninterrupted succession of pleasurable moments.
If the moments of doubt and anxiety in celebrities’ lives, the sufferings caused by haters’ insults on their social medias, are not shown on screen, our mind disregard them as though they didn’t exist, as though they didn’t really happen for we are not witnessing them…
But, then, if celebrity is a magic formula for happiness, why do so many people in the spotlight use drugs, turn to alcohol or commit suicide? Shouldn’t the infinite happiness that stardom provides immunize them against grief? Too late to ask Amy Whinehouse, Matthew Perry, Kurt Cobain, Heath Ledger, Prince and all the others…

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This documentary about Selena Gomez is a really good example of no matter how famous you are, you still need to know yourself and find your purpose in life to be truly happy.

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Stardom don’t erase the ego, it enhances it because, at the end of the day, when the spotlights and cameras go off, not only do we end up alone again with ourselves but with people who love us for what we stand for rather than for who we truly are and the fear of losing it all.

“Every man I knew went to bed with Gilda… And woke up with me.” Rita Hayworth

Paradoxically, when not chasing the spotlights to quench its lust for love, our ego whispers loudly in our ear that invisibility and immobility are the true ways to happiness. Remember that the way we use it is disfunctional so ego doesn’t mind sending us in two opposite directions at the same time, driving us as crazy as it is.

Image created with Midjourney AI

Step 2

The next step after identifying our ego’s voice, is to smoothly quiet it down, stop that hysterical voice to keep on screaming “We are all going to die!” for that is true but there is not much we can do about it. What we can do though is to start living, not merely surviving, before we die.

So, as with any insecure child, we need to set boundaries with our ego.

First, we have to teach it not to lie, not to invade our lives with scary stories that most probably will never happen and scornful lies about ourselves. To do so, we just have to stop buying them when we notice them, hearing them for what they are: tales from a frightened (inner) child who just want to be loved.

Second, we have to reassure this child. A very effective exercize I explore regularly with my coachees - and have used on myself on many occasions -, when we nail a specific moment in time when a block or trauma occured, I invite them to go back in time as an adult and talk to the scared child they were then, reassuring them, telling them that “everything is going to be alright” and hugging them with love. I got that exercize from Louise Hay’s book and it gives tremendous results.

Third, we have to accept to feel that fear, let it pass through our body, for what scared us when we were children is usually not so scary when we grow up. If we let that fear emerge and face it rather than resisting it and putting it back in, we will see it for what it is: just a clinging lost emotion which needs to be released.

When we put our ego back into its primal function by noticing its voice and behaviours and choosing to act according to our heart, despite its demands, its grip starts getting loose and, after a while, it just becomes a faint voice, only emerging from time to time, to remind us it still exists if we need it.
We cannot get rid of it permanently for it is a default - and useful - mode in our brain, but we definitely can override it to become our true selves, the powerful heroes of our lives.

When we achieve that, we set our compass on fun rather than fear, searching to experience joy rather than dodging pain, and we become soulfish rather than selfish.
We then enter the flow of life: we stop resisting everything that comes our way and we simply enjoy the ride, curious of where the GPS of the Universe will take us next.

For those who would like further guidance to work on their ego, remember that I am not only a Bartender but also a Life Coach who can help you with tools to regain the control of your life.
So don’t hesitate to DM me on Substack or on my website G-Spotlight to schedule a session and assess your needs.

Bartenderly yours,

Geay

PS: If you like her stories but are not ready to subscribe yet, you can always tip the Bartender.

Café 42

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